Gender/Sexuality and Dating a Non-Goth

I've identified with "goth" as a label since my late teen years, and as a metal-head since I was 13, yet I've actually never dated another goth. (I briefly dated a guy before I came out as being queer, who was into entry-level metal, and that's as close as I've gotten to dating a fellow metal-head.)

This post is a self-reflection on some of the more relevant experiences I've had as a goth dating non-goths, mostly current experiences that I am having as someone currently dating a VERY not-goth, and why I believe that you can date someone who doesn't share ALL the same interests as you.... and, to mix it up even more, I'm going to add in the fact that my relationships have been visibly queer, and how I interpret the perception of these relationships by the world.

 My current relationship is with a really cool francophone non-goth, who identifies as cis-female and lesbian/pansexual. We met while both working in a horrible restaurant, where, because of the uniforms, it wouldn't be visible, apart from my dyed hair, that I was goth. When we opened and closed the restaurant and I had my turn with the aux cord for the resto speaker system, you better believe I was either blasting whatever metal band I was into at the time, or playing 80's goth bands, both of which she hated (more so the metal). I liked to make fun of her by playfully threatening to put on my god-awful music during restaurant hours just to scare away customers so we'd be less busy.  A few times, I left work at night to go straight to some goth dance parties, and would do my clothes/hair/makeup in the resto before leaving, or would stop by sometimes to say hi, dressed in my usual clothes (which, at the time, was black platform shoes, fishnet tights, black shorts, metal band t-shirt, and mismatched white contact lenses, with two-tone black and white hair. <- I sound like the protagonist from a shitty gothic fanfiction describing themself)

I had bangs, sweet satan...

How I looked when I worked at that terrible restaurant (outside of work, obv)

My aesthetic right before I left for Japan, where I subsequently re-bleached half my hair, effectively killing it, and regretfully cutting myself bangs AGAIN, GODDAMNIT. 

Needless to say, she got a taste of what I was really like, outside of work. Despite that, she still was really friendly to me and we hung out several times before I left to go to Japan for half a year. When I came back six months later, we'd stayed in touch and hung out a few times before we started dating, despite all the obvious differences between us; She grew up in Quebecois culture and speaks 95% in french, likes super chill music, anything latin/cuban/mexican, pop from the 2000s, being super chill, going to bed at 22h, not going out dancing, wearing clothing that is comfortable and functional- not fashionable, and enjoys spending a lot of time outside in the sun gardening (and studying horticulture/working on a farm outside the city). I prefer cold weather, heavy sounds, horror movies, black clothing that isn't always as functional, staying up late at night/going out to goth clubs and metal shows, and I grew up in Ontario.We also have really different life trajectories, and thus we know that our relationship is only temporary, a fact which we've both come to terms with and are trying to enjoy our time together as much as we can. (Can someone tell me, is that element in itself something that queers a relationship?)

Despite all the differences between us, we are actually very similar, and spending time together and getting to know each other better really helped to build an emotional bond past all the obvious differences. Its been 5 months now, and she admitted to me recently that, when we had been working together before, she was actually intimidated by me/my appearance/my perceived "indifference" or preference for solitude. This is an excellent example of something that has been bridged through communication - I'm not "too cool" for you, which I think lots of people perceive of goths. I actually just have social anxiety! On my side, I pretty much thought the same of her - she's a Capricorn rising, so she comes off as having a bit of a cool indifference, doesn't seem to care what people think, is very focused on her self and her goals, (which is true, and admirable!).
We actually have lots of similar interests - Plants, scientific botanical gardens, fearing other people, being very silly to the point of being obnoxious, feminism/gender & sexuality studies, guilty pleasure early 90s/early 2000's pop music

 
jazz and latin music, cocteau twins.... and just generally ENJOYING each others presence, feeling like we can be ourselves around each other, and learning new things from the differences between us. The last point specifically is why I highly advocate for dating people who you do not share all interests with!! I personally really love to learn new things from people who are important to me, I think that knowledge sharing is an important part of my relationships, and thus, if we have too much in common, it feels boring and monotonous. (Although I think she's probably bored of my constantly explaining specific elements of music history/ music theory all the time).

So, how do we interact with specific differences in our relationship? (particularly differences of goth & non-goth) : We take turns with who puts music on, usually whoever's house we are at gets to decide on the music, although recently we've been doing a lot of dancing with guilty looks on our faces to horrible 90s/00's pop and Reggaeton, so right now I let her take the aux cord, since I can handle listening to her music, but not necessarily vice versa with her & metal. If I'm in a reallllyyy goth mood though, I'll try to find something more chill, dream-pop/shoe-gaze-y in order not to make her feel uneasy. (The band Timber Timbre is a hit, as its both spooky and relatively calm/folk-y, as is some of Chelsea Wolfe's less heavy material, yay! My Queen!!)   I think often we try to find a "happy-medium" if possible. (Honestly, I have all the time in the world to listen to my preferred music when she's not around!).

Timber Timbre "Beat the Drum Slowly"
I relate

Movies: We're both pretty into anything queer-themed, but I have gotten her to watch some of the more cheesy old horror movies, since those tend to not be as scary... and, whats a perfect mix of spooky and queer?

HELLO!! (Elvira)

                                          and of course, "What we do in the shadows" !

This movie very much helped my girlfriend understand me better!

We don't really share clothes except for sleeping and the odd sweater, and have no expectations of how each other should dress, which is like, pretty obvious? You should never change for someone and they should never expect you to change for them. I dress however goth I want to when we go out in public together, and she has never been anything but kind and supportive to me, and vice verca. Going out: I go out to goth nights with my goth friends, with no expectations of having her accompany me, and on the other side, I'm not expected to attend get-togethers with her normie, potentially awful acquaintances (this is not just my opinion, but she has described some of these acquaintances as terrible dudes with no concept of feminism. They're not acquaintances anymore to my knowledge). We will try to schedule plans to not fall on the same night as an event, so that I don't miss them, which is lovely! Lastly, she has always been supportive in how I choose to present my gender as an agender/sometimes non-binary person, seeing as I sometimes wear long black skirts, or sometimes wear black jean ripped shorts! You should always date someone who supports you and validates your identities no matter what.

To segue off of talking about identities... I want to mention that in public, based on the fact that we are both AFAB / people likely identified by others as "female", we are obviously a queer couple, often perceived as a lesbian couple. If we go out in public holding hands/displaying any other kind of affection, we get looked at, obviously. I've asked M how she feels about this, and we both have mixed feelings on the looks from others being because we are an openly queer couple, but also because we are two VERY different people, thus making us a curious item to onlookers. We possibly get looked at more than other non-goth queer couples, simply because I stand out visually in other ways than just queerness. It's interesting to note how USED to being stared at I have become, on my own as a goth, and when with my girlfriend, as a queer person. I think it's even more difficult to be both commodified as a sexual object because of being goth and queer, since both of those boxes are sexualized by people outside of the subcultures (and especially objectified if you're assumed female/lesbian). Luckily, neither of us has problems with being looked at, and we tend to just make fun of the people who've made their glare very obvious - sometimes I glare back; I refuse to be an inanimate object of consumption.

This has mostly been a long ramble, so I apologize. But I hope if you read this far, and want to take something from my pondering, it's that different people CAN get along and have amazing happy relationships if given the chance to find some other few similarities between them to build off of, and learning from the different skills, interests and hobbies of each other! My love for Cuban jazz would not have been rekindled if it weren't for my current relationship. I love being an anti-social homebody with my girlfriend, which suits me as a goth and her as someone with social anxiety. Its perfect!
I wish you all good luck with current and future relationship endeavors, and would love to hear your comments about goth-goth and goth-non goth relationships you may have had, especially if they are queer!

As always, your darkness loving fiend,
TheAgenderAgelessOne